Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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