bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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