if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
