This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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