How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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