What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
