At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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