Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
