i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
