What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
