he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
