you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
