I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
