if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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