There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
