I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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