I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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