You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
