The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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