He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
