Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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