omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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