Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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