Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
