college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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