I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
