there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
