They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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