Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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