just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one two three fourrrrnication!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
