So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
