You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
