Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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