I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
