booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
