Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
