did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We left the knife in your bed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
