i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
