im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
