i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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