Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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