Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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