Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich