I faked an abortion last night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
