Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
try to milk me bitch
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
