She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
