I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
