you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Text me some of your sweat
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
