I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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