in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
