So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
