you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
