the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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