I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
