The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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