i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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