Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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