Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
