and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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